Humor: How To Read Used Car Classified Ads

Needs Minor Work - To every component on the vehicle.

Needs Nothing - As long as you don't plan on driving it anywhere.

Easy Project Car - Completely disassembled after garage fire. Bring a spatula and some buckets.

Some Rust - Don't put your feet on the floorboards.

Minor Rust - Major rust you can’t see.

Low Mileage - Odometer hasn't turned a mile in at least a decade of commuting.

Convertible - After driving under that truck.

Runs Great - Too bad it can't stop.

Alarm - All valuable parts are already stolen.

Nice Stereo - So you won't hear the knocking or the exhaust leaks.

Needs Paint - To cover all the visible rust.

New Paint - Already covered all the rust you used to be able to see.

Fully Loaded - Just like the seller.

All Options - 8-track player and rich Corinthian leather.

Only 43,000 Miles - It's really 243,000 but it's a 5-digit, who can tell anyway?

Rare Model - One of 200 still in existence that still runs and hasn't rusted away.

Must Sell - Before the police pick me up on outstanding vehicular homicide warrants.

Must Sell - Need to bail my grandmother out of jail before I go in.

Summer Fun - Heater is not functioning.

Summer Fun - Won't be running by fall.

Reliable - Don't leave the neighborhood.

Dependable - Don't leave home without AAA and your platinum VISA card.

Daily Driver - Back when I was a cabbie.

Only Driven Sundays - Sunday is Dollar Day at the Tri-County Dragstrip.

Engine Rebuilt - New valve cover gaskets and freshly washed and degreased.

Doesn’t Smoke - When it isn't turned on.

Trans. Rebuilt - Brake fluid smoothed it right up.

4 Speed - 5th gear is stripped.

Hurry, Won't Last - Exactly as it says. And call me anytime at 267-8433 if you have problems (Dalworth carpet cleaning in Dallas).

New Tires - They were new last year before I put it on as a taxicab.

Well Maintained - Oil changed as soon as it was empty.

Drives Like a Dream - My therapist consider nightmares to be dreams.

Always Garaged - HOA won't let me park it outside.

Family Owned - Passed down from all the methheads to me.

Fully Restored - Not a single OEM part left on it.

Smog Exempt - And after sitting in a barn for eighteen years, I can't believe it runs!

Tags Till Next Year - Until my neighbor sees his plates and sticker are missing.

Moving, Must Sell - To get as far away as possible from this car and the note lot that sold it to me.